A Friend In All Seasons

What's in a Best Friend?

     Ladies and gents, I'd like to introduce you to one of the kindest, smartest, most thoughtful, intellectual, hilarious, unique individuals I've ever met and have the absolute honor and blessing to call my best friend.
    Who would have thought the girl with the long, braided hair and braces from the first day of Mrs. Rollin's 6th grade history class would one day be the girl I share my deepest, darkest, innermost thoughts. The one that I trust above everyone else. The girl I know who has my best interest at heart, even when it might be the hardest pill to swallow. I can honestly say I've never had a friend like her, and most likely never will. To be quite honest... no one can match up to her.
   But what is it that has brought us from shy 11 year old polar opposites to best friends who ignore the texts of boyfriends in favor of texting each other? What about our friendship has stood the test of time and the test of growing up and going our separate ways in adulthood? There are a lot of factors, some a complete mystery to me, others that have taken hard work, patience and honesty on both of our parts.


    First, let me start by saying that Jasmine and I are very different people. Our relationship is not like the scene in Parent Trap when the twins find out that they actually really love all the same things and aren't all that different and then share peanut butter and oreo snacks (which I find revolting by the way). To be quite honest, when Jasmine and I first met, I was very conservative. If I had known myself then, I probably wouldn't have liked me very much. I also was very sheltered and had really only lived in one place my whole life. I had never experienced loss or had a wide range of life experiences and travelled away from East Coast. Jasmine, by the time I met her, had not only travelled a ton, but had lived in other countries. She also had spent a lot of time in New York City as a child which was a big sparkling foreign cool dream of a place to live in my mind. Middle school Jasmine was very into cool music I had never really even heard of. I thought she was definitely cool.


     Our relationship deepened in high school when we formed a close knit group of friends Kubesh (shouts out to the Kubes! Love you guys!). As high school progressed we realized that although we disagreed on a few big things in life, we still found a common ground in our senses of humor and our wild idealistic dreams of what the future should be like for us. I learned that she was someone I didn't have to be afraid of being myself around or making ugly faces, or have to wear make up at all times or the coolest clothes. As long as we could keep each other laughing and sane during class, we were happy. Let me take this moment to tell you all how incredibly smart Jasmine is. She thinks on a different wavelength than anyone I've ever known. I've never known someone to be able to think so intellectually about life and writing and analytical pursuits as well as be able to grasp higher levels of math and science like they are second language. I'm not trying to be falsely modest about myself either. Jasmine is really incredibly smart.
      I remember our first ever "fight" which wasn't even much of a fight as much as it was a marker in our friendship. I remember we used to always point out the fact that we didn't argue or fight. But that disagreement kind of awkwardly opened a door for us. It's OKAY to have a best friend that you disagree with. That doesn't mean your friendship is over. To be frank, I find it weird that some people never disagree with their friends or challenge the ideas of others.... it seems boring, in my opinion, to be dating/friends/hanging out with pretty much a carbon copy of yourself.
      Leaving for college without Jasmine was actually pretty hard on me. She was at a school that I really wanted to be at, and seemed to be having such a blast, making awesome friends without me. Sure, we still talked incessantly, but it just seemed different. I missed her all the time and told all my friends at my school about her. I could bore you all with the huge story of the past four years of our lives in more detail than you'd ever need, and that I don't necessarily care to share. Instead, I'll leave some words of wisdom or maybe some tips that can help in your current or future relationships (it doesn't have to just be with friends- it can be a boss, romantic relationship, family, etc). These are things I've noticed about Jasmine and my friendship that have helped us stand the test of time and grow stronger to the point where I know she will never be out of my life. Ever.

Maintaining, Keeping and Deepening Friendships

                                                                                    Be the Real You

     Flat out. If you have to pretend to be someone you're not just to be around someone or you feel uncomfortable sharing truths about yourself or your opinions to someone, whether it be because of intimidation, fear of judgement, whatever... then I'd advise you to take a step back and assess whether this person is truly worth your time. Anyone that you can't be honest with is only going to cause stress in your life. Sure, you don't need to tell all your friends your deepest, darkest, innermost thoughts. But if it comes to the point where you feel like you need to dress up or wear make-up everytime you hang out with so-and-so and you normally don't.... that's a red flag. Be honest about yourself first and foremost.


Honesty  
       Honesty is a huge thing in my book. As I've said in my previous post, I feel judged a lot of the time. Although I know Jasmine never would want to hurt me or judge me, I sometimes feel that way. It's taken some hard talks, awkward conversations, hurt feelings and a few days of silence for us to really be able to be honest about certain things in our relationship. But if hard truths and honesty is what it takes to be stronger, take the plunge. If your friend doesn't appreciate your humble honesty, they really aren't your friend.


Apologizing Isn't a Sign of Weakness

   In my life I kind of live by this philosophy that I never say "I love you", "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you" unless I truly mean it. And I know that this can cause a lot of frustration in my relationships, especially with my close friends. I've had to learn that apologizing (especially to Jas) is not a sign of weakness and does not give her "the upper hand" because that's not even what she's searching for in the first place. Apologies go a long way. Swallow the pride of wanting to be right or say your piece or defend yourself and realize that you've hurt a person who you not only care for, but who cares for you and was vulnerable enough to approach you in their time of hurt.


Share Yourself
   Relationships are fun to have, even the shallow ones. But as most of us know, the shallow ones don't go very far and leave us feeling empty and bored. Part of deepening a friendship is taking that step to show the other people the real you. Not just the funny, activity partner but the real person who has a past and thoughts about the present and future. Sometimes I find myself feeling the closest to Jasmine when we are talking about our futures and the big scary things that are ahead. Although we have different ideas of the future and what we want for our respective lives, it's comforting knowing someone is in the fight with me and I'm not alone in my thoughts of fear, apprehension, not knowing what my next steps are and so on. Sure, you don't need to stretch yourself thin and tell all your friends your deepest feelings and life story, but find the one or two people who you feel closest to and don't be afraid to open up. Chances are, they are feeling the same ways you are and those conversations will only bring you closer together. And the bounce back from a deep conversation to a conversation about farts or jokes or silly voices is astounding.


Quality over Quantity
   This is a lesson I had to learn in high school and again in college, and quite honestly am still learning now. It's something that I think girls in particular might struggle with (I'm not sure about guys-I'm not one) but women are emotional creatures who desire connection. The more friends we have, how is it possible to truly be connected in deep ways with so many people? When I was younger I thought "the more friends I have, the cooler I'll look, and the more people will want to be friends with me!" but then I realized I really didn't have many deep friendships and would go to bed wondering who my real friends actually were. I found that the fewer people I was friends with, the more I could deepen my relationships. Popular culture or media wants us to think the more friends, followers, subscribers, retweets, reblogs, shares, the better! But at the end of the day we don't lay down thinking "Wow, I got 25 likes on that instagram!!!!" We think about plans with our close friend or conversations we had that day. I'm not saying it's bad to have a large friend group, don't get me wrong. But I DO think it is important to have a few people who you can really trust and share a deep connection with. It's not that you can only have one best friend and no other friends... that's not realistic. But don't sacrifice true friendship and deep connection for the sake of having large groups of shallow friendships. Think about it as your wedding party. If you had to pick today who your bridemaids or groomsmen would be, who would you choose? If you're having trouble narrowing it down because you have too many people, maybe take some time to think about who those deep relationships are in your life. If you're having trouble coming up with more than just your best friend, maybe take some time to think about branching out and meeting some new people.

     At the end of the day, I know that Jasmine will  always be my best friend. We have had our fair  share of disagreements, laughs that make my abs hurt, laughs that make me throw up in public, cries on the phone, cries in Five Guys, late nights, sharing each other's heartache, exchanges of funny videos, and lastly I know that Jasmine is my first true love. I will never have another friend like her, and I'm sure that I want to. She will always have a special place in my heart, and as our lives change, so will our relationship, but I know that we will always make time for each other and that our kids will be awesomely dressed and talented and have playdates where we bore them with stories and give them cool names and laugh when they fall down because we might have had one too many glasses of wine.

You're the best, Defeo. Stay gold, Pony Boy.

Goodnight, Sweet Prince